My wrinkles, my story

August 2018

It all started with a few wrinkles next to my eyes. I smile a lot so those smiling lines have become deeper with every smile, carving small rivers on my skin. In 2015 and 2017 I gave birth to my beautiful boys Tao and Namo. More changes in my body. My breasts are not what they used to be. The skin of my belly has some stretch marks, the little “love handles” never seems to loosen their grip on my waist and my diastasis (separation of the rectus abdominis) takes its time to grow back.

At times, I see myself in the mirror and I think “Oh God, I’m starting to look older. I don’t look as perfect as I would like it. I look tired and pale. I’m too much like this or not enough like that…” I catch myself thinking that I would like to be as I was before.

The reality is that there is no going back. Time is moving forward, not back. And the aging of my body has not started with the visible wrinkles. Below the surface, all my cells are aging, whether visible or not.

My body is telling the story of impermanence. Everything constantly changes. We are born, we grow and grow, we live, we age, maybe we get sick and then we die. Unless death comes earlier in life, we all go through those stages. How crazy that most of us live our life as if we will live forever. As if we will have this body forever. My wrinkles wink at me every morning, carrying that wisdom.

If I look deeply at my body, I can see my whole life inscribed in it. My wrinkles tell the story of belly laughs and tears. They carry the memory of our 5-month walking trip in Nepal in 2012, being exposed to sun, snow, rain, cold, high mountain weather. They carry the touch of sunshine of 10 years in Chiang Mai. They tell the story of my ancestors, who happened to have dry skin and early wrinkles.

My breasts and belly tell the story of my two boys, their time inside of me, the delivery and breastfeeding time. How incredible that my body grew two babies and fed them for almost a year each. Those two beings that I love more than anything else in this universe, beyond words.

As a child, I remember showing off my scars to my friends: “Look here I felt off my bicycle on my knee. And here I felt on a rock while hiking.” There was a kind of pride in being tough and daring to go on those adventures. When did I lose this childlike amazement? When along my way did I get so attached to my body?

And then I think: “It is so worth it”. I wouldn’t exchange any of my wrinkles for my many adventures in the mountains or at sea. I would not want my old body back in exchange for my 2 boys. Not even one second. Why want to erase any of it? I love my body with its many imperfections because it holds all those memories. My life and my body are one.

I want to arrive on my deathbed having respected but also used my body fully to realize my dreams and taste life fully. Not waist time “asleep”, to live without really being in the present or to do things that I don’t really feel aligned with my deeper Souls purpose. Every moment is so precious. Life will not last forever. Time flies by and even seems to accelerate with time. I feel moved as I write those words because it is first of all a reminder to myself.

What about you? Do you accept the changes in your body? Are you at peace or maybe even proud of your life story? Do you need to make changes so that you can one day say “I lived life fully. I have no regrets.”

And there is still freshness in my being, in my eyes. The sun is not ready to set yet. As my body ages, I vow to grow younger in my mind and heart. At some point, we may have lost all our teeth, need support to walk, and be all wrinkled but still feel 25 inside. Maybe that is one of the big lessons we are all supposed to learn: that we are not just this body.

Laurence Gilliot facilitates transformational journeys in Asia and Europe. More about upcoming events and Yoga Teacher Trainings.